My Heart in Hiding No More

Have you ever known God wanted you to do something, but tried to ignore His voice?  I have, and it always gets me in more trouble than I need.  And that trouble could have so easily been avoided.  I have learned over the years that I am better in God's will than out of it, and so I listen (at least most of the time).

This blog is something the Lord has been (I can't find a positive word for nagging) me about.  It all started earlier this year when my middle son, Mason, was hospitalized for a long period of time.  In fact, for 2016, he has spent more days in the hospital than out of it (and so have his parents).  During one of the hospitalizations, I listened to Mason moan in pain for over 12 hours and felt helpless as the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing his pain.  It was in that moment that I felt the Lord nudging me to open my heart.  You see, when you are going through something terrible, it is easy to hide your heart.  It is easy to not let those who love and care for you know how much you need them.  It is easy to let everyone think you are fine, when you clearly are not.  Well, at least it seems easy.  However, all of that "easy" takes its toll - on energy, on relationships, on faith, on the quality of your life.

So I posted on Facebook how drained I was, how helpless I felt, how much I needed to know people were praying.  I knew they were, but, frankly, at that point, I needed slapped in the face with it.  And the messages came.  And came.  And came.  And sweetly, the peace that passes all understanding, wrapped its arms of love around me and let me revel in its calm.  I felt my Lord's presence in a way I had never quite felt before. All of this because my heart came out of hiding.

I felt God nudging me to blog shortly after that, but didn't feel I had the strength.  I thought I should wait until the crisis was clearly over so that no one would think I was just blogging because of MY need.  So, I convinced myself that later was fine.

However, LATER, Mason was hospitalized again, and it was scary, and horrible, and I was so exhausted, and spent.  But it was the last week of school, so I pulled myself together (hiding my heart again), went to work, and saw my students off.  I know my friends knew how I was feeling.  I know my family wished there was some way they could do more.  I know I was surrounded by prayer.  But I stopped asking, again.  (Yes, my brain knew what to do, my heart knew what to do, yet still I resisted - good thing God doesn't wield a board or He would have used it to thunk me in the head).

Today, Tim and I traded at the hospital, and I am home again.  I was so tired when I got home, I really didn't want to do a thing but sit around and feel sorry for myself.  As I was sitting around, I decided that I really should "get up off of that thang".  I decided to go to the YMCA for water aerobics.  I must tell you about this wonderful group I began working out with in January.  I absolutely LOVE the teacher, Mari, as she motivates me to move.  She is also a servant of the Lord letting Him work through her.  I knew just being in class would cheer me up a bit.  And all it took was Mari being happy to see me and genuinely concerned that I had missed class again for me to open up about Mason.  She immediately shouted out to the group my prayer need, and said we would all pray together at the end of class.

Now, imagine this.  Twelve of us, in our swimsuits, in the pool, at the YMCA, gathered together in a watery prayer circle.  All of this while the people waiting for aerobics to be over so they could go swimming just waited patiently on the sidelines (probably some of them praying with us).  Good thing we were in the water, because my tears of love were making sure the pool stayed full!  It was beautiful.  All I could think of was Mathew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."  Even if it is at the YMCA, in a pool, and everyone in a swimsuit!  Thank you Jesus!  That would have been enough, but God had more in store for me.

This beautiful woman, I think her name was Sila, started singing in the locker room (with only her towel on her).  I loved it!  I told her I would gladly sing along, but didn't know the song.  She then started singing Amazing Grace. . .I did join in.  After that we sang another song (the name escapes me).  Just two women, who didn't know each other, getting dressed in the YMCA locker room, whose Lord brought them together at just the right time.  She prayed over me before we parted ways.

My heart will be in hiding no more!  This blog is where you can find it.

Much love!

Kara