Caleb. . . Caleb. . . Caleb Being his mom has given me an understanding and appreciation of many things I would not have known otherwise. He came to us at the age of 19 months full of the wonder of discovering everything. He was never still, always searching for something to interest him. He certainly kept Tim and I in good shape chasing him around everywhere. The only thing he has always been able to be slow and gentle with is his brother, Mason. Their bond is strong, and still to this day when Caleb is around Mason, he becomes a different man. It is wonderful to watch. I have been reminded of that recently as he has popped in to visit several times. Many of you know what a rollercoaster of a journey it has been for us raising Caleb. All of it was worth it. I know it is so difficult to see God's hand on everything when the going is rough, but I do know that God cares more about our children than we ever can as earthly parents. That took a while for me to swallow, but being able to "say" that out loud is very comforting. So, here is the list of things I never would have known so well without my Caleb.
1. football - I still don't understand a lot, but I did come to appreciate it while Caleb played.
3. the real world - I think I had some rose colored glasses on for part of my life, but Caleb helps me see the real world. He notices things I wouldn't. I used to love driving him around and listening to him talk from the backseat. He would point out so many things I would miss. He would also notice things that weren't too good, and we would have conversations about them. He cares so deeply about others, is so compassionate, loves to help out others in need.
2. ADHD - It is very different when someone you love is blessed with this (and it is a blessing). Having worked with many students with ADHD, I thought I would understand my own child more, but I didn't. I think I do now (and Caleb does too). I truly understand the blessings that this brings to him: creativity, energy, a deep caring spirit, the ability to take risks (something I can learn from him).
3. perspective - As a child, I really wanted to please adults. I still am a rule follower for the most part. I thought it was as easy as a choice to be made. However, through raising Caleb and knowing him now, as an adult, I know that temptation is different for everyone. It didn't ever pull at me the way it has at Caleb, and I am grateful for that. Through perspective, I have gained more patience and understanding of other people than I would have if I did not have the privilege of being Caleb's mom.
4. God's clenching hand - He doesn't let go of his children, He fights for them!
5. my child, a successful adult: He may not have done everything the way I hoped, but he has gotten there. He supports himself, takes care of what he needs to, holds down a full time (very difficult)job, and interacts with his dad and I frequently. He always says I love you and gives a kiss or hug before leaving (There was a time I didn't know if he would ever do that again).
So, I am sooooooooooo glad we adopted Caleb. He has made me a better person, and I love him unconditionally.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
So glad we adopted: Part 2
We adopted Jarrett when he was 10 years old. We met him the week before he turned 10. We were very nervous to meet this 9 yr. old that God sent our way, but from the first time we saw him and his smile unwrapped, we knew he was our son. Because he was in foster care, in order to have him stay with us for his birthday weekend, we had to get our emergency foster license. We had never wanted to be foster parents, but since we had this license and attended classes, it opened up doors for us that eventually led us to adopting Mason and Caleb. God's ways. . . .
Jarrett has been a great blessing to our family. He has always been really thankful to have a forever family, and quickly gave his life to God as part of our family. His ability to be happy under most any circumstances makes hanging out with him a good time. He will be 30 years old this November, and I can hardly believe it. There have been many battles along our journey as Jarrett's parents that God has guided us through, and it hasn't always been easy. We even had to make a decision for Jarrett to live away from our family for a while to help him heal in ways we could not help him at home. It took a lot to convince Jarrett that we were still his parent and family and would never separate permanently from him. Because of the numerous living arrangements he had before living with us (at least 9 - and he came to us with one small box of personal items), he has fear of abandonment issues. He gets nervous when people he loves travel. When loved ones pass away, he struggles to understand it wasn't their choice to leave him. It's an anxiety issue that he will likely deal with on some level his whole life. However, recently, Jarrett proved what great progress he has made in this area.
Sometime in April, we approached Jarrett about the idea of living independently from us in Cicero, Indiana in a home owned by Mephibosheth ministries (Christian based waiver provider), who would provide staffing needs for him. He had been attending their camp and day program for about a year. We really felt like this was the place God was providing for Jarrett. Jarrett was visibly nervous during the conversation, and we agreed we would talk more as he wanted, but that there was no hurry for a decision or moving as he could say with us as long as he felt it necessary. He said something about maybe in 3 to 5 years he would be ready. About a month later, Jarrett came to us and said he would like to discuss the move with Mephibosheth, see where the home would be, and possibly move out this summer. Well, God made a way, and as of June 10th, Jarrett has been living semi-independently in an apartment in Cicero. And, he has made the adjustment very well, with minimal psychological concerns.
I was really worried about him, and 2 days after he moved he called and told me he was having trouble sleeping because he was worried. I expected him to tell me he was afraid and feeling lonely, but he told me he was worried about not being here to help ME. He even said he would remind me when the trash needed taken to the road (as that was a job he had done for years). AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How did THAT happen. How did my son suddenly grow up to be a mature young man who put thinking about others in front of himself. Grace of God! I love Jarrett so much, and am So Glad We Adopted Him!
Jarrett has been a great blessing to our family. He has always been really thankful to have a forever family, and quickly gave his life to God as part of our family. His ability to be happy under most any circumstances makes hanging out with him a good time. He will be 30 years old this November, and I can hardly believe it. There have been many battles along our journey as Jarrett's parents that God has guided us through, and it hasn't always been easy. We even had to make a decision for Jarrett to live away from our family for a while to help him heal in ways we could not help him at home. It took a lot to convince Jarrett that we were still his parent and family and would never separate permanently from him. Because of the numerous living arrangements he had before living with us (at least 9 - and he came to us with one small box of personal items), he has fear of abandonment issues. He gets nervous when people he loves travel. When loved ones pass away, he struggles to understand it wasn't their choice to leave him. It's an anxiety issue that he will likely deal with on some level his whole life. However, recently, Jarrett proved what great progress he has made in this area.
Sometime in April, we approached Jarrett about the idea of living independently from us in Cicero, Indiana in a home owned by Mephibosheth ministries (Christian based waiver provider), who would provide staffing needs for him. He had been attending their camp and day program for about a year. We really felt like this was the place God was providing for Jarrett. Jarrett was visibly nervous during the conversation, and we agreed we would talk more as he wanted, but that there was no hurry for a decision or moving as he could say with us as long as he felt it necessary. He said something about maybe in 3 to 5 years he would be ready. About a month later, Jarrett came to us and said he would like to discuss the move with Mephibosheth, see where the home would be, and possibly move out this summer. Well, God made a way, and as of June 10th, Jarrett has been living semi-independently in an apartment in Cicero. And, he has made the adjustment very well, with minimal psychological concerns.
I was really worried about him, and 2 days after he moved he called and told me he was having trouble sleeping because he was worried. I expected him to tell me he was afraid and feeling lonely, but he told me he was worried about not being here to help ME. He even said he would remind me when the trash needed taken to the road (as that was a job he had done for years). AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How did THAT happen. How did my son suddenly grow up to be a mature young man who put thinking about others in front of himself. Grace of God! I love Jarrett so much, and am So Glad We Adopted Him!
Monday, July 11, 2016
So glad we adopted: part 1
Over the years a handful of well-meaning but misguided individuals have asked Tim and I if we would have chosen to adopt Mason if we would have known all of the special needs he has. An impossible question to answer, and typically gets a response from us of just, "Yes". What more is there to say? Lashing out at the ignorance wouldn't help anyone.
However, inside, I find myself shouting, "What a stupid question! If I gave birth to him would you ask me that? God chose us to be his parents, and once we accepted the job there has never been a question in our minds that he was meant to be our son."
A little background. We adopted Mason from foster care when he was 2 years old. We were aware he had some developmental delays, most likely from shaken baby syndrome. He had been in foster care since he was about 6 months old. Mason did begin to make progress: he could walk, eat, play. Then, at the age of 5, he developed a seizure condition that became so severe he eventually had brain surgery to help alleviate some of the seizures. He also had to have a feeding tube because his fatigue from seizing caused him to sleep for days and be unable to eat. Since that time, he has developed several other conditions. He is bedridden most of the time, requires 24/7 care, is incontinent, and mentally functions about like a 1-year-old.
Yes, being the parent of a special needs individual is challenging and exhausting. Mason's physical limitations and medical needs have made our lives very different from most of our friends' lives. We will never outgrow the phase of life where we need a caregiver and advanced planning to be able to go do something. When Mason was younger, it didn't seem we were so different. Everyone had children to plan around for get togethers. But as most others lives transitioned to a place where they could pick up and go at a moment's notice, ours didn't. Ours never will.
This morning I found myself reflecting on the good things in my life because of being Mason's mom. Tim woke me at 5:30AM (and you all know I am NOT a morning person) because Mason had soiled the bed to the degree it would take two people to clean and change everything. After we got that done, as I took the trash outside, I was greeted with the beautiful sunrise. I don't often get to see the sunrise (did I mention I am NOT a morning person), so today that was a special blessing for me that I wouldn't have received if I wasn't Mason's mom.
My Mason's Mom Blessings:
1. I see beautiful things I would have missed.
2. I see strength in suffering.
3. I find joy in the little things Mason does: conversation, singing, laughing, kissing, high fives, playing catch.
4. I know this child will never take me for granted.
5. I see others become thankful for what they are when they meet Mason.
6. I remain more dependent on God.
7. I get to share this parenting journey with my husband and see him as a gentle, loving man over and over.
8. I am a more selfless person.
There are hardships in parenting an adult with special needs. In many ways, it is more difficult than parenting a special needs child. It is harder to find support. It is harder to find services. It is just harder. But I hold onto the truth of this verse: "But my God shall supply all your need. . ." Philippians 4:19 (KJV) And he has.
However, inside, I find myself shouting, "What a stupid question! If I gave birth to him would you ask me that? God chose us to be his parents, and once we accepted the job there has never been a question in our minds that he was meant to be our son."
A little background. We adopted Mason from foster care when he was 2 years old. We were aware he had some developmental delays, most likely from shaken baby syndrome. He had been in foster care since he was about 6 months old. Mason did begin to make progress: he could walk, eat, play. Then, at the age of 5, he developed a seizure condition that became so severe he eventually had brain surgery to help alleviate some of the seizures. He also had to have a feeding tube because his fatigue from seizing caused him to sleep for days and be unable to eat. Since that time, he has developed several other conditions. He is bedridden most of the time, requires 24/7 care, is incontinent, and mentally functions about like a 1-year-old.
Yes, being the parent of a special needs individual is challenging and exhausting. Mason's physical limitations and medical needs have made our lives very different from most of our friends' lives. We will never outgrow the phase of life where we need a caregiver and advanced planning to be able to go do something. When Mason was younger, it didn't seem we were so different. Everyone had children to plan around for get togethers. But as most others lives transitioned to a place where they could pick up and go at a moment's notice, ours didn't. Ours never will.
This morning I found myself reflecting on the good things in my life because of being Mason's mom. Tim woke me at 5:30AM (and you all know I am NOT a morning person) because Mason had soiled the bed to the degree it would take two people to clean and change everything. After we got that done, as I took the trash outside, I was greeted with the beautiful sunrise. I don't often get to see the sunrise (did I mention I am NOT a morning person), so today that was a special blessing for me that I wouldn't have received if I wasn't Mason's mom.
My Mason's Mom Blessings:
1. I see beautiful things I would have missed.
2. I see strength in suffering.
3. I find joy in the little things Mason does: conversation, singing, laughing, kissing, high fives, playing catch.
4. I know this child will never take me for granted.
5. I see others become thankful for what they are when they meet Mason.
6. I remain more dependent on God.
7. I get to share this parenting journey with my husband and see him as a gentle, loving man over and over.
8. I am a more selfless person.
There are hardships in parenting an adult with special needs. In many ways, it is more difficult than parenting a special needs child. It is harder to find support. It is harder to find services. It is just harder. But I hold onto the truth of this verse: "But my God shall supply all your need. . ." Philippians 4:19 (KJV) And he has.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
So tired. . .
I am so tired!
Typically, I don't have trouble sleeping. I am blessed to be able to sleep most anywhere and anytime I need to. However, the past several weeks, I have been having difficulty getting to sleep, and then staying asleep. I rest, but am not deeply sleeping. It is starting to affect my ability to think clearly and multitask as well.
I'm just tired.
Tired of Mason being in the hospital.
Tired of canceling plans.
Tired of not knowing what is really wrong with Mason.
Tired of trying to hold it together.
Tired of being sad.
Tired of crying.
Tired of arguing.
Tired of being tired!
I know God loves me, Mason, and Tim more than any person every will. I know He loves us all no matter what. I know He will never leave or forsake us. But I am still tired. I know this is a season, and eventually it will change into a new season. But I'm tired.
I can't begin to thank everyone for their continued prayer support - it's the only thing keeping me going sometimes. Thanks for being faithful. Thanks for being there. Thanks for using your energy to build mine up.
Now I need to go take a nap!
Typically, I don't have trouble sleeping. I am blessed to be able to sleep most anywhere and anytime I need to. However, the past several weeks, I have been having difficulty getting to sleep, and then staying asleep. I rest, but am not deeply sleeping. It is starting to affect my ability to think clearly and multitask as well.
I'm just tired.
Tired of Mason being in the hospital.
Tired of canceling plans.
Tired of not knowing what is really wrong with Mason.
Tired of trying to hold it together.
Tired of being sad.
Tired of crying.
Tired of arguing.
Tired of being tired!
I know God loves me, Mason, and Tim more than any person every will. I know He loves us all no matter what. I know He will never leave or forsake us. But I am still tired. I know this is a season, and eventually it will change into a new season. But I'm tired.
I can't begin to thank everyone for their continued prayer support - it's the only thing keeping me going sometimes. Thanks for being faithful. Thanks for being there. Thanks for using your energy to build mine up.
Now I need to go take a nap!
Friday, June 17, 2016
A Good Day
Well, Tim and I made it back to Illinois to enjoy the last two days of our scheduled get away. Although it was a little shorter than originally planned, it was still good. Wednesday, in particular, was a good day.
We decided to go to Iowa (only 20 min. away) to the National Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium. A very interesting place to learn about wildlife along and in the River. They also had a 4D theater showing a couple of movies. It was supposed to be $19 each for admission and one movie, and we decided to do that, even though our budget was a bit tight due to the unexpected hospitalization of Mason again. Well, the Lord was working it all out. Before we left, I remembered that I held a zoo pass with reciprocal privileges at certain other zoos/aquariums, and National Mississippi River Museum offered a 50% discount for my ticket. Then, as we walked in, a volunteer came up and offered us one of his free tickets for the day. So it only cost us $15.50 total for our experience!
We had such a nice time there, and it wasn't crowded! We saw paddle fish (only place they are now found in the wild is in the Mississippi) and got to see them feeding. They are just docile, kind of boring fish until they eat. Suddenly their jaws drop open (sort of disconnect like a snake's), and you see this glowing filter inside their huge mouths. Then they just swim around letting everything filter into them that they need for nourishment. Looked sort of alien. Paddle Fish Eating The 4D movie was about bugs in the rain forest, and it was really amazing. The only part I didn't like was when a spider stealthily dropped from the ceiling into my face due to the great 3D (thankfully no 4D for that part - had rain and rumbling seats a few other times). Tim didn't like the spider part much either, as he ended up a bit deaf from my shrieking, and probably had some grip marks on his arm!
Later, we found a great deal on some yummy food at a Casino across the street from the museum. We have found that most Casino's offer really good food at reasonable prices, as they don't want the gamblers to have an excuse to leave the facility! After eating, we headed back to the condo to rest a bit before attending a magic show Wednesday evening. The theater only has 24 seats, so it is a very intimate setting with lots of audience interaction (I didn't tell Tim that part until after he agreed to go LOL). Even sitting 3 ft from the magician, we still couldn't see how any of the tricks were done. I even got to participate in one with a little car named Dennis. Below is my picture with Dennis and P.T. Murphy, the magician.
We decided to go to Iowa (only 20 min. away) to the National Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium. A very interesting place to learn about wildlife along and in the River. They also had a 4D theater showing a couple of movies. It was supposed to be $19 each for admission and one movie, and we decided to do that, even though our budget was a bit tight due to the unexpected hospitalization of Mason again. Well, the Lord was working it all out. Before we left, I remembered that I held a zoo pass with reciprocal privileges at certain other zoos/aquariums, and National Mississippi River Museum offered a 50% discount for my ticket. Then, as we walked in, a volunteer came up and offered us one of his free tickets for the day. So it only cost us $15.50 total for our experience!
We had such a nice time there, and it wasn't crowded! We saw paddle fish (only place they are now found in the wild is in the Mississippi) and got to see them feeding. They are just docile, kind of boring fish until they eat. Suddenly their jaws drop open (sort of disconnect like a snake's), and you see this glowing filter inside their huge mouths. Then they just swim around letting everything filter into them that they need for nourishment. Looked sort of alien. Paddle Fish Eating The 4D movie was about bugs in the rain forest, and it was really amazing. The only part I didn't like was when a spider stealthily dropped from the ceiling into my face due to the great 3D (thankfully no 4D for that part - had rain and rumbling seats a few other times). Tim didn't like the spider part much either, as he ended up a bit deaf from my shrieking, and probably had some grip marks on his arm!
Later, we found a great deal on some yummy food at a Casino across the street from the museum. We have found that most Casino's offer really good food at reasonable prices, as they don't want the gamblers to have an excuse to leave the facility! After eating, we headed back to the condo to rest a bit before attending a magic show Wednesday evening. The theater only has 24 seats, so it is a very intimate setting with lots of audience interaction (I didn't tell Tim that part until after he agreed to go LOL). Even sitting 3 ft from the magician, we still couldn't see how any of the tricks were done. I even got to participate in one with a little car named Dennis. Below is my picture with Dennis and P.T. Murphy, the magician.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Home, Crazy Busy, Trying to Relax, To the hospital, and (hopefully) home again soon!
Wow!
10 days.
That's all, but my life has been like this.
Day 1 - Mason home from hospital on June 3rd
Day 2 and 3 - trying to catch up on sleep, plan for summer school, planning my first ever professional development presentation, and helping Jarrett pack/purge
Day 4 - wrote a grant with the help of a colleague to help fund some much needed work on social and emotional learning with some students, meeting with a group of teachers, water aerobics
Day 5 - meeting with Jarrett at Mephibosheth (agency in charge of the new home Jarrett will move to on June 18), dinner with family in Fort Wayne
Day 6 - first day of summer school, nails done, water aerobics
Day 7 - present BreakoutEDU at WISE conference in Wabash, IN (note to self - DO THIS MORE) - I absolutely loved it, loved the connections I made with new and old colleagues, and got a chance to do some learning myself as well, pack for getaway
Day 8 - 2nd day of presenting BreakoutEDU, leave for getaway with my dear husband, arrive at condo around 11pm, fall into bed exhausted
Day 9 - 4am phone call that Mason is holding air in belly and throwing up, spend the next several hours trying to coordinate medical care for him, he ends up going to hospital by ambulance as Tim and I pack and head to him, meet up with Mason at Methodist Hospital in Indiana around 7pm
Day 10 - discover there is not a perforated bowel (phew), Mason seems fine, need a scan of Indiana pouch and should be dismissed with treatment plan - and that's when I began to lose it...
I don't even know how to put into words how angry I was when the nurse came to tell us that what was described to us as very simple procedure by the doctor wouldn't get done today because the radiologist working didn't feel comfortable doing it. Ugh! Really! Then why are you working at a hospital? So, at 1:00 today, we went from feeling like we would get home with Mason with a plan to avoid anymore air in the body cavity this evening, to being assured we would be staying the night. I admit, I didn't handle it well, and I hope I am forgiven for snapping at the nurse (yes, I have apologized). So, Tim went home to get some good rest so he can bring the van back tomorrow so we can take Mason home, hopefully. Now I just am praying that the scan gets done early in the day.
It took me a LONG time to let go of the anger. Now, if you know me well, you know that I rarely become angry at the circumstances surrounding Mason, but today I was. I was angry at God. I wanted to know why my Father was letting this happen. I wanted to know what Tim and I had done to not deserve to have a weekend of peace and quiet to heal and recover from everything that has been going on in our lives. I was just plain angry. I don't like that feeling, as it eats at me and doesn't let me move on. Then my mom called, and I spoke to her a bit, and she gave me some good advice (and just loved me through the phone), AND I CRIED. I really needed to cry, but I was afraid to lose it at the hospital where anyone can walk in at anytime. So listening to my mom while I cried helped me keep it minimal, but I cried. And when I got done, I was still angry, really angry, but the healing began. My mom had made a joke to me about not worrying about the cost of the food in here (ridiculous by the way), and at the time it was just something in passing. But then, about a 1/2 hour ago, when I went to get some food ($15 for a grilled cheese, snack, and drink - I must say it was the best grilled cheese I have ever eaten), all my heart would let me do was pray for everyone I passed on the way. So many hurting people, so many circumstances, so many needs. BUT. . .
at least we had a place to be with our needs, at least I can afford the ridiculous prices here and feed my body while my child heals, at least there is air conditioning here, at least there are people praying everywhere, at least. . . .AND. . .suddenly, I wasn't angry anymore.
I am so thankful God let me be relieved of the anger, as I can feel his peace again. I can't remember another time in my life where I couldn't find at least a drop of the peace that passes all understanding, and I don't ever want to not be able to find it again. Because that itty bitty drop of peace, it spreads so quickly, flows so smoothly to fill me with the Spirit of my Lord. I feel Him holding me, rocking me, letting me know that He loves me, NO MATTER WHAT, and NOTHING, NOTHING, can ever separate me from His love. There aren't words enough to thank My God for that!
Blessings!
10 days.
That's all, but my life has been like this.
Day 1 - Mason home from hospital on June 3rd
Day 2 and 3 - trying to catch up on sleep, plan for summer school, planning my first ever professional development presentation, and helping Jarrett pack/purge
Day 4 - wrote a grant with the help of a colleague to help fund some much needed work on social and emotional learning with some students, meeting with a group of teachers, water aerobics
Day 5 - meeting with Jarrett at Mephibosheth (agency in charge of the new home Jarrett will move to on June 18), dinner with family in Fort Wayne
Day 6 - first day of summer school, nails done, water aerobics
Day 7 - present BreakoutEDU at WISE conference in Wabash, IN (note to self - DO THIS MORE) - I absolutely loved it, loved the connections I made with new and old colleagues, and got a chance to do some learning myself as well, pack for getaway
Day 8 - 2nd day of presenting BreakoutEDU, leave for getaway with my dear husband, arrive at condo around 11pm, fall into bed exhausted
Day 9 - 4am phone call that Mason is holding air in belly and throwing up, spend the next several hours trying to coordinate medical care for him, he ends up going to hospital by ambulance as Tim and I pack and head to him, meet up with Mason at Methodist Hospital in Indiana around 7pm
Day 10 - discover there is not a perforated bowel (phew), Mason seems fine, need a scan of Indiana pouch and should be dismissed with treatment plan - and that's when I began to lose it...
I don't even know how to put into words how angry I was when the nurse came to tell us that what was described to us as very simple procedure by the doctor wouldn't get done today because the radiologist working didn't feel comfortable doing it. Ugh! Really! Then why are you working at a hospital? So, at 1:00 today, we went from feeling like we would get home with Mason with a plan to avoid anymore air in the body cavity this evening, to being assured we would be staying the night. I admit, I didn't handle it well, and I hope I am forgiven for snapping at the nurse (yes, I have apologized). So, Tim went home to get some good rest so he can bring the van back tomorrow so we can take Mason home, hopefully. Now I just am praying that the scan gets done early in the day.
It took me a LONG time to let go of the anger. Now, if you know me well, you know that I rarely become angry at the circumstances surrounding Mason, but today I was. I was angry at God. I wanted to know why my Father was letting this happen. I wanted to know what Tim and I had done to not deserve to have a weekend of peace and quiet to heal and recover from everything that has been going on in our lives. I was just plain angry. I don't like that feeling, as it eats at me and doesn't let me move on. Then my mom called, and I spoke to her a bit, and she gave me some good advice (and just loved me through the phone), AND I CRIED. I really needed to cry, but I was afraid to lose it at the hospital where anyone can walk in at anytime. So listening to my mom while I cried helped me keep it minimal, but I cried. And when I got done, I was still angry, really angry, but the healing began. My mom had made a joke to me about not worrying about the cost of the food in here (ridiculous by the way), and at the time it was just something in passing. But then, about a 1/2 hour ago, when I went to get some food ($15 for a grilled cheese, snack, and drink - I must say it was the best grilled cheese I have ever eaten), all my heart would let me do was pray for everyone I passed on the way. So many hurting people, so many circumstances, so many needs. BUT. . .
at least we had a place to be with our needs, at least I can afford the ridiculous prices here and feed my body while my child heals, at least there is air conditioning here, at least there are people praying everywhere, at least. . . .AND. . .suddenly, I wasn't angry anymore.
I am so thankful God let me be relieved of the anger, as I can feel his peace again. I can't remember another time in my life where I couldn't find at least a drop of the peace that passes all understanding, and I don't ever want to not be able to find it again. Because that itty bitty drop of peace, it spreads so quickly, flows so smoothly to fill me with the Spirit of my Lord. I feel Him holding me, rocking me, letting me know that He loves me, NO MATTER WHAT, and NOTHING, NOTHING, can ever separate me from His love. There aren't words enough to thank My God for that!
Blessings!
Saturday, June 4, 2016
The Best!
I completed 26 years of teaching this year. In some ways it feels like that can't be true, and in others it feels very true. This was also one of the best years I have ever had, despite the medical issues we were dealing with as a family. I felt re-energized after attending a GAFE (Google Apps for Education) Summit in mid April. I was trying so many new ideas, that in some ways it felt like my first few years teaching. However, there was this one 7th grade student I had who was the child of a student I had when she was in 3rd grade. That was enough to remind me how "young" I am!I am truly going to miss my outgoing 8th graders (now in high school)! They are a unique, caring, amazing group of individuals who I wish nothing but the best for.
I enjoyed all of my 8th graders, but the girls hold a special place in my heart. In my home, I am the only girl, so I enjoy getting to know the girls I teach in a special way. They notice my new hair cuts, nail colors, and outfits. They share in ways that boys don't. Not better, just different, and I enjoyed it so much these last two years. One young lady brought me to tears with her gift to me. You need to know the whole story.
Kourtney touched me from the moment I met her. She has resilience, courage, and perseverance far beyond her age. She has had more surgeries than a young person should have to go through. But what I remember most about her is her smile. I love her smile! She is a genuinely caring a happy person, but rarely busts out in a big smile. She wants to make sure she knows you well before she shows you that. Part way through 7th grade we connected, and then the smiles began. She is so quiet by nature, but I got to hear her laugh this year, a lot. Many times at my expense (I don't always perform exactly how expected when at school), but always appropriately so. I went to see her horseback riding, and she asked me when I was last on a horse (most likely when I was a small child at the pony rides at the zoo). Kourtney is a beautiful girl, inside and out and when riding, she SHINES. Her physical difference is no more, she is simply a gorgeous being on a horse. She knows what she is doing and is confident. It was so nice to see her in that environment. I also mentioned that when I was young I dreamed of running a unicorn farm until I realized they were imaginary; then I wanted to have a horse farm. Neither dream lasted long.
A couple of weeks after our trip, a "Fairy Garden Unicorn Farm" showed up for me at school. Kourtney had taken it upon herself to make my childhood dream come true. It is, hands down, the best tangible teacher gift I have ever received. I will treasure it and think of her. And I hope she thinks of me, in the wind behind her, encouraging her to reach every dream she has.
I enjoyed all of my 8th graders, but the girls hold a special place in my heart. In my home, I am the only girl, so I enjoy getting to know the girls I teach in a special way. They notice my new hair cuts, nail colors, and outfits. They share in ways that boys don't. Not better, just different, and I enjoyed it so much these last two years. One young lady brought me to tears with her gift to me. You need to know the whole story.
Kourtney touched me from the moment I met her. She has resilience, courage, and perseverance far beyond her age. She has had more surgeries than a young person should have to go through. But what I remember most about her is her smile. I love her smile! She is a genuinely caring a happy person, but rarely busts out in a big smile. She wants to make sure she knows you well before she shows you that. Part way through 7th grade we connected, and then the smiles began. She is so quiet by nature, but I got to hear her laugh this year, a lot. Many times at my expense (I don't always perform exactly how expected when at school), but always appropriately so. I went to see her horseback riding, and she asked me when I was last on a horse (most likely when I was a small child at the pony rides at the zoo). Kourtney is a beautiful girl, inside and out and when riding, she SHINES. Her physical difference is no more, she is simply a gorgeous being on a horse. She knows what she is doing and is confident. It was so nice to see her in that environment. I also mentioned that when I was young I dreamed of running a unicorn farm until I realized they were imaginary; then I wanted to have a horse farm. Neither dream lasted long.
A couple of weeks after our trip, a "Fairy Garden Unicorn Farm" showed up for me at school. Kourtney had taken it upon herself to make my childhood dream come true. It is, hands down, the best tangible teacher gift I have ever received. I will treasure it and think of her. And I hope she thinks of me, in the wind behind her, encouraging her to reach every dream she has.
Friday, June 3, 2016
He is home! Again!
I am so tired, but so happy that Mason is home again. It was a long exhausting day.
My husband's parents always volunteer to drive whichever one of us is home to the hospital on discharge date, so someone can ride in the back with Mason on the way home. Today was no different, but the trip was. As we entered Indianapolis (thankfully off the interstate), the vehicle just died. Battery was fine. Starter was turning over. But it wouldn't re-start. So, we called a tow truck, found a service station, and let Tim know where to pick us up. Thankfully, Mason was sound asleep so it wasn't a problem for Tim to come get us (only about 15 min. from hospital). We got the car to the service station, went back to the hospital, had some lunch, and waited for Mason's discharge to be completed. We waited 2 hours.
God had it all planned, though, as shortly before we were ready to leave the hospital Tim's dad got a call that his vehicle was ready to go (just under $600, but cheaper than a new car as Ray said). We loaded Mason and began the trip home.
Now everyone is home. Everyone. And I will just relish in that for a moment, praying it lasts a while this time. I've seen enough of hospitals this year!
Thanks for continued prayer!
My husband's parents always volunteer to drive whichever one of us is home to the hospital on discharge date, so someone can ride in the back with Mason on the way home. Today was no different, but the trip was. As we entered Indianapolis (thankfully off the interstate), the vehicle just died. Battery was fine. Starter was turning over. But it wouldn't re-start. So, we called a tow truck, found a service station, and let Tim know where to pick us up. Thankfully, Mason was sound asleep so it wasn't a problem for Tim to come get us (only about 15 min. from hospital). We got the car to the service station, went back to the hospital, had some lunch, and waited for Mason's discharge to be completed. We waited 2 hours.
God had it all planned, though, as shortly before we were ready to leave the hospital Tim's dad got a call that his vehicle was ready to go (just under $600, but cheaper than a new car as Ray said). We loaded Mason and began the trip home.
Now everyone is home. Everyone. And I will just relish in that for a moment, praying it lasts a while this time. I've seen enough of hospitals this year!
Thanks for continued prayer!
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
My Heart in Hiding No More
Have you ever known God wanted you to do something, but tried to ignore His voice? I have, and it always gets me in more trouble than I need. And that trouble could have so easily been avoided. I have learned over the years that I am better in God's will than out of it, and so I listen (at least most of the time).
This blog is something the Lord has been (I can't find a positive word for nagging) me about. It all started earlier this year when my middle son, Mason, was hospitalized for a long period of time. In fact, for 2016, he has spent more days in the hospital than out of it (and so have his parents). During one of the hospitalizations, I listened to Mason moan in pain for over 12 hours and felt helpless as the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing his pain. It was in that moment that I felt the Lord nudging me to open my heart. You see, when you are going through something terrible, it is easy to hide your heart. It is easy to not let those who love and care for you know how much you need them. It is easy to let everyone think you are fine, when you clearly are not. Well, at least it seems easy. However, all of that "easy" takes its toll - on energy, on relationships, on faith, on the quality of your life.
So I posted on Facebook how drained I was, how helpless I felt, how much I needed to know people were praying. I knew they were, but, frankly, at that point, I needed slapped in the face with it. And the messages came. And came. And came. And sweetly, the peace that passes all understanding, wrapped its arms of love around me and let me revel in its calm. I felt my Lord's presence in a way I had never quite felt before. All of this because my heart came out of hiding.
I felt God nudging me to blog shortly after that, but didn't feel I had the strength. I thought I should wait until the crisis was clearly over so that no one would think I was just blogging because of MY need. So, I convinced myself that later was fine.
However, LATER, Mason was hospitalized again, and it was scary, and horrible, and I was so exhausted, and spent. But it was the last week of school, so I pulled myself together (hiding my heart again), went to work, and saw my students off. I know my friends knew how I was feeling. I know my family wished there was some way they could do more. I know I was surrounded by prayer. But I stopped asking, again. (Yes, my brain knew what to do, my heart knew what to do, yet still I resisted - good thing God doesn't wield a board or He would have used it to thunk me in the head).
Today, Tim and I traded at the hospital, and I am home again. I was so tired when I got home, I really didn't want to do a thing but sit around and feel sorry for myself. As I was sitting around, I decided that I really should "get up off of that thang". I decided to go to the YMCA for water aerobics. I must tell you about this wonderful group I began working out with in January. I absolutely LOVE the teacher, Mari, as she motivates me to move. She is also a servant of the Lord letting Him work through her. I knew just being in class would cheer me up a bit. And all it took was Mari being happy to see me and genuinely concerned that I had missed class again for me to open up about Mason. She immediately shouted out to the group my prayer need, and said we would all pray together at the end of class.
Now, imagine this. Twelve of us, in our swimsuits, in the pool, at the YMCA, gathered together in a watery prayer circle. All of this while the people waiting for aerobics to be over so they could go swimming just waited patiently on the sidelines (probably some of them praying with us). Good thing we were in the water, because my tears of love were making sure the pool stayed full! It was beautiful. All I could think of was Mathew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." Even if it is at the YMCA, in a pool, and everyone in a swimsuit! Thank you Jesus! That would have been enough, but God had more in store for me.
This beautiful woman, I think her name was Sila, started singing in the locker room (with only her towel on her). I loved it! I told her I would gladly sing along, but didn't know the song. She then started singing Amazing Grace. . .I did join in. After that we sang another song (the name escapes me). Just two women, who didn't know each other, getting dressed in the YMCA locker room, whose Lord brought them together at just the right time. She prayed over me before we parted ways.
My heart will be in hiding no more! This blog is where you can find it.
Much love!
Kara
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